Watches were synchronised, calendars co-ordinated and all was set for one of the epic nights of the year.
Now unfortunately for me, the morning of the Xmas party I was presented with an entirely new visual treat. An ovulation kit. Much worse than a normal ovulation kit, this was a used one. And worse than a used one, this was a very recently used one - being held by a very attractive woman who was biting her bottom lip and rubbing her knees together as only women can.
Our first baby was very much a surprise to us both. Now, lets be clear. I was an abject failure upon hearing the news of our first conception, and I have since been extremely keen to redeem myself.
I always thought it would be like “Family Ties”; People jumping up and down in slow-mo with theme music in the background.
We were sitting in our great one bedroom apartment, on the third floor with no car park and no elevator, each of those things of no consequence to me at the time. The world seemed happy and under control. Theme music stuff!
“We need to talk…” Whoa. OK. That is definitely THE way to get a bloke’s attention.
“I’m pregnant…”
Like most of my gender, I’m only capable of doing one thing at once and my mind was busy racing, so the rest of me went into standby mode.
Even at the time, I knew it was great news, but regardless, my reaction was more of a stunned mullet than any inspirational TV moment. And worse, I was aware that time slipped by at an unfair speed.
A “that’s awesome”, leaked out, with all the conviction of an eleventh hour election promise.
But here was the problem. I had been secretly working on my reaction to the surprise "honey im pregnant!" and had worked out a pretty good, non stunned mullet reaction.
Not in my planning, at all, was the "honey lets get pregnant", which caught me equally off guard.
Worse still, I was informed that today was THE DAY, mucuses were spot on, hormones were doing their things, and i would be required a minimum of 3 times.
Wildly aware that any phrase such as "I'm not a piece of meat" would have undone years of my own ongoing romantic crusades with same aforementioned attractive lady. So I mentally succumbed, and started to feel the weight of preparing for a humiliating back down from the night out with the boys.
And what was that comment about the mucuses? Yuck! Where was that line when she was trying to get OUT of sex previously. That would have put the brakes on immediately.
Sorry boys, no can do on the beers tonight - the missus is ovulating.
Man, I have GOT to come up with something better than that.
Unfortunately, being tired, and very similar to Superman, unable to lie I decided to go with the honest truth. Why, I'm not sure to this day. Maybe something to do with the implicit awesomeness of definitely getting some. Whatever it was, it was a mistake.
A big mistake. I am still paying for that one - weeks later. Come to think of it - maybe its time for some new friends. That could be the only way out of this one.
